cyriljackal | Friends and memories.

I feel guilty eating alone. Don't know why. Maybe It's the lack of company, or that I feel like I'm wasting money eating alone in a restaurant, enjoying something by myself. I get a little sad thinking about it.
I want to start writing about the people I know individually, for my memories sake. People who've been important to me. So many people have passed through my life. I should start as far back as I can remember, with Matt Vaisey.
I met him in elementary school. I can't even remember what age we were. But I took to him quickly. Born on the same day even I eventually found out. May 28th, both Gemini. He was born earlier than me so he got to be the 'older' one by a few hours.
He was my best friend for years. I don't know how he felt about me, but definitely my best friend.
We fooled around like most young kids do at that age I think. Except one thing eventually became apparent to me. It was an emotional thing to me. I suppressed it, I denied it, even cried over it, but I loved him. I fell in love with my best friend, probably long before I realized even at that age what I was feeling.
As we got older, he started dating. Girls of course. And I felt oddly jealous, still denying and repressing at that time. He drifted away emotionally like lots of relationships do. Last I heard his girlfriend didn't like me all that much. All I knew is I was losing someone I loved.
One of the last things I said to him before we stopped talking in early high school, I called him on the phone and asked while crying, "Don't you know that I love you?" I think that scared him away for the final time. I never said how I felt before that. Ever since that I've felt this loss in me that's never been fixed. While we were friends, I worried about being alone, but knew he was always there somewhere. Things and feelings shape you as an adult when they happen to you as a child. To master them you just have to know what it was, and why.
I was in love, but it wasn't meant to be. It hurt but you can't have life be perfect and grow too.
Years after, when I was in the local community college and was taking the bus to the mall from classes I saw him across on the other side of the mall. I was excited, lots of feelings came back to me. I took off trying to find where he'd went, and it led to the model shop that used to be downstairs. I was so happy to see him, but he was tepid to me. I tried to be cordial but his friend, nate I beleive his name was, wasn't friendly either. His girlfriend, the same one who didn't like me in high school also I beleive, wasn't too thrilled to see me. After the typical 'well nice seeing you' ending, I left feeling terrible. He had no feelings for me even after years. Not even of old friendships past.
I guess I'm just sappy for the past.
I've never seen him since. Sometimes, Like all other people I know, I wonder if I should bother talking to him, or finding him and having a real honest talk about feelings instead of just some stupid mall meeting of chance.
Lots of stuff in life will remain unresolved. Sometimes stuff just dies and dies alone. Its been years and years since then, and my life has moved on where I'd never thought it would be. And I'm glad.
Even the rough stuff has bought me in contact with people I still like, even if they don't like me.
It's hard to remember the past sometimes.

Now for the random online tests. Typical me, maudlin to goofy on 3.2 seconds.