The World's Gotten Smaller...
Nov. 5th, 2002 12:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cyriljackalI've been here at Shane's for days. It's been a long time since I've updated here too. I'm really not sure what to think anymore.
Words are failing me.
I'm really not sure of what I want to do now. My conflict with Yips seems to be at end. Almost like a second break up, but hopefully not one that leaves us never talking again. Maybe I'll try to be the guy who holds him when he needs it, but doesn't take advantage of him. I go all soft for that guy. All it takes is for me to look at him, and I feel my walls weaken. It's going to take some time, but if he still actually wants me in his life, maybe we'll try.
Then comes the question of, do I deserve to be with Shane. Use his apartment as my place too? I'm starting to have doubts. I ignored him for so long. In my discussion with Yips today, he said the same. I ignored his attraction to me for such a long time. Maybe I just can't accept someone actually liking me. Gotta ruin it some way.
Apologies to you Yips for hurting you. Apologies to you Shane for ignoring you and maybe wasting your time.
I just don't think I'll fit in anywhere.
I was so upset yesterday over stuff that I was bawling my eyes out. The only way I could keep myself together was to have shane hold my leash and hold me tight as I cried and snotted all over the place. I don't think I've cried that much in a year. It takes a special kind of pain to get to me that way. Even death is easier to take.
To anyone who wants my company, I guess I'm free. I feel like I've ditched everything.
Maybe I should just go live at home with mommy and daddy again for a while and stop pretending I'm some sort of adult.
I work real soon. at 1:30 today. Christmas time is almost upon us. My manager is quitting soon, so it means I may have to step up temporarily and be responsible. Terrifying. A person like me should not be in control of anything. I'm incompetent. Maybe just less so than some others...
Ever feel a chunk of your heart fall away?
Words are failing me.
I'm really not sure of what I want to do now. My conflict with Yips seems to be at end. Almost like a second break up, but hopefully not one that leaves us never talking again. Maybe I'll try to be the guy who holds him when he needs it, but doesn't take advantage of him. I go all soft for that guy. All it takes is for me to look at him, and I feel my walls weaken. It's going to take some time, but if he still actually wants me in his life, maybe we'll try.
Then comes the question of, do I deserve to be with Shane. Use his apartment as my place too? I'm starting to have doubts. I ignored him for so long. In my discussion with Yips today, he said the same. I ignored his attraction to me for such a long time. Maybe I just can't accept someone actually liking me. Gotta ruin it some way.
Apologies to you Yips for hurting you. Apologies to you Shane for ignoring you and maybe wasting your time.
I just don't think I'll fit in anywhere.
I was so upset yesterday over stuff that I was bawling my eyes out. The only way I could keep myself together was to have shane hold my leash and hold me tight as I cried and snotted all over the place. I don't think I've cried that much in a year. It takes a special kind of pain to get to me that way. Even death is easier to take.
To anyone who wants my company, I guess I'm free. I feel like I've ditched everything.
Maybe I should just go live at home with mommy and daddy again for a while and stop pretending I'm some sort of adult.
I work real soon. at 1:30 today. Christmas time is almost upon us. My manager is quitting soon, so it means I may have to step up temporarily and be responsible. Terrifying. A person like me should not be in control of anything. I'm incompetent. Maybe just less so than some others...
Ever feel a chunk of your heart fall away?
